we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
