Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
