My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
