I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
