i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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