My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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