mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Still dying that you shit outside
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize