I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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