My Higher Power is John Stamos
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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