i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize