Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize