Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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