I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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