The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
as a side note pls kill me
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