does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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