I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize