my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
