So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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