I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I pour the whiskey from now on
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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