I think my vagina is haunted
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
