It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
