the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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