Can Purell be used as lube?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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