tell your sister to shave her snatch
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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