i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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