Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
