I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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