I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
