i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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