I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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