By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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