well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
