Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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