I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
