We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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