I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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