why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Randomize
