According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
