you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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