i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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