i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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