dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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