Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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