At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
