she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
