Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
