just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
