This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
