Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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