Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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