I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize