did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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