I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
