So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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