First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
