I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
