Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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