i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
