I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
