apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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