Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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